NEWS: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: How to Lose a Girl in Ten Minutes

CULTURE: Life Beyond the Bar Scene: How to Lose a Girl in Ten Minutes

by Laurelin

Dating. I think we all know by now that I suck at it. I’m a tough girl to win over, and the odds of me scaring someone off by date three are pretty damn good despite the initial attraction. I’m going to be honest, I have been sampling what Boston has to offer lately and am having a damn good time with it -- it’s summertime, what do you want from me? I’ve realized that keeping an open mind when it comes to guys has meant I have met a lot of cool people who I normally wouldn’t have gone for… I have also met a lot of idiots.

Guys, good lord, I know sometimes girls turn out to be a bit bonkers; especially girls like me who habitually come home a little drunk around 4 AM with a rip in their jeans and a half eaten cheeseburger in their purse. But I figure I may as well tell it like it is; it doesn’t matter how hot you are, it is totally possible to lose even the most captivated girl in ten minutes. Listen up guys. Help me help you, take heed of these simple rules, and then maybe we can all go get a margarita.



1. Watch your language. Don’t use the n-word on our first date -- or ever for crying out loud! I don’t care how hot you are, how big your muscles are, or how lucky I thought I was to be with literally the hottest guy I have ever seen in my whole life -- the second you start telling me a story and dropping racist terminology, I am gone. It’s a damn shame and a colossal waste of my time. Men, lock up those lips and grow a brain. Ignorance doesn’t look good on anyone.

2. When we go out, God help you if you don’t know how to tip. I honestly don’t remember the last time I dated someone who wasn’t a bartender, waiter, barback or bouncer (that’s a problem in and of itself), but it’s happened to a few friends of mine. I would rather not have to duck back in and leave another twenty on the table because you’re trying to save a few bucks. I’m staying home next time, and you’re a jerk.

3. There comes a time when it’s time to put out. Trust me, no one is coming back to my apartment right away, but I don’t want to be surprised a few months in and find that you have a mangina. Nothing good can come from that. It either ends in us still talking while I see other people, us becoming buddies, or me purposely dropping my cell phone in the toilet and forgetting you exist. I also don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriends, talk about your feelings, how many kids you want and what you want to name them, or other mangina-y things. Grow. A. Pair.

4. If we wind up doing it, we are probably/maybe dating and we really/moderately like one another. On a few rare occasions maybe I’m just trying to get over someone, or maybe I didn’t want you to drive home drunk and let you stay over and I took my Ambien too soon. But either way, the first time having sex with someone is always a big deal. I’m not a prude by any means, but sweet baby Jesus, I swear I will never talk to you again if you refer to me as “Mama” or refer to yourself as “Daddy.” And the baby talk… I have never been more freaked out in my life. No, I don’t “likey.” I was “likey-ing” until you started talking like a three year old. Game. Over.

5. If you pee on my stuff after drinking, you are a tool. We have all been there, drunk as a skunk and in some strange bed. However. Why am I waking up to you peeing on my futon, my desktop computer, or my bookshelf? Is this what I have to look forward to the next time you come over? I watched a guy pee in his room once and actually felt terrible so I cleaned it up and put him back to bed. The next morning I was trying to break the news gently and not embarrass him and he actually said, “Are you sure you. didn’t pee?” Good luck buddy. I’m out, you’re gross. I know this goes hand in hand with the type of men I keep going after… maybe I should start assessing how many people have actually peed in my room before I date another bartender.

I hate to be that girl and point out that the first thing I noticed about a guy is his appearance. I don’t however, make a snap judgment and decide if I like you then and there. Sometimes a sense of humor and a nice smile can overpower things like being shorter than me, bad haircuts, funny dancing, fist pumping (okay, not fist pumping, sorry) and silly T-shirt wearing. These things are not deal breakers. If you make me laugh I don’t mind bending over to kiss you, and I might laugh telling my friends about your silly T, but hey, I’m telling my friends about you.

I might not be in the mood for a relationship just now, even in my sea of badly shorn and stupidly attired bar scene men. But at least I have a few hands to squeeze and options to savor while watching the Bruins game. As for all the rest, I really did drop my cell phone in the toilet. And I’m not getting another one, ever. Please don’t ever call me again, you racist baby talking bed wetters.

Thank you.
Love, Laurelin

I think you're doing something wrong if you've had that many people piss all over your stuff.

Sometimes pee just goes everywhere.

I'm just saying.

Amen. Perhaps someone needs to give her a guide on places to go where you don't meet douchebags. The fact she even mentioned fist pumping tells me she's doing it wrong.

I'm not certain but I've rarely come across the piss anywhere drunk. By anywhere, I mean anywhere. I've met people that black out and piss in the sink. I've met people that piss outdoors if it's all that's available. I've yet to meet the person that sees a computer and thinks it's a urinal. Whoever has that problem needs to see an optometrist or switch brands.

Great article. You'd think it was basic stuff.

I have a strict no pissing on my stuff policy.

I'm also from Boston, but not a typical bar scene sort of guy. When I do go out for a night it's more likely to be one of the goth/industrial nights.

You're pretty much guaranteed no fist pumping or hamper peeing at Xmortis, Laced or Ceremony. The downside is that you'll probably end up with a guy who wears more makeup than you do.

People really piss in their (and other people's) bedrooms?

Wow. I must be leading a more sheltered life than I thought, or maybe just not dating career blackout drunks.

Last summer one of the guys in my wedding party got so drunk he shit himself in the parking lot outside of my place. Several months later he was found by my brother trying to piss on the floor in the living room after another party. Some people just can't handle their shit.

Wow, its funny, but isn't the first time that I see it. Once I lost a girl in 3 minutes, It was very sad.

Maybe the gods are telling you to not date drunks.

i love this. Dating isn't easy but you would think the list above would be simple to follow.

Well, I'd violate your rule #3, in that I like to date someone for several months and really get to know them and fall in love before sleeping with them (which is probably a big reason why I haven't had sex in many years). But on the up-side, I've never pissed anywhere other than a toilet or against a tree.

The fact that this has apparently happened more than once seems to indicate you are correct.

I have to wonder why she doesn't invest in some rubber sheets to drape over her stuff at night?

Wow, I didn't know that because I take the time to understand my feelings and share them with someone that interests me out of respect for theirs that I was less of a man. I appreciate the correction. Thanks so much.

Turn in your testicles!

Can't share my pee or my feelings? Some people are just impossible to please.

Kidding aside, I think I get what you're saying, you don't want someone who is in touch with his emotions to behave like a sniveling fish without any confidence, unfortunately, that's usually why a lot of unstable people drink to the point they piss themselves (or on your things). If you happen to interrupt his date with the bottom of a bottle, chances are you're still going to be stuck with the same guy once his liquid courage wears off. I suggest doing something different, avoid the bar scene altogether on your next dating venture, maybe try to be a bit more patient, otherwise if he starts yammering on too much for your taste, just dump him or jump him (trust me, the lucky sod will shut up).

Other than that, I'd agree that the other douchey behavior is, well, douchey. Unfortunately, this advice probably won't reach those who most need it.

I have been known to pee on my own stuff after drinking. And I keep my mangina in a jar. Just saying.

Real talk girl, find yourself a new field from which to pick your crop.

Brrr!! The waters are a bit cold here... I'd throw you a rope, but you don't care...I'll be on shore, we'll get a drink, you buy.