NEWS: Phelps Is Just Like Us, Even Though He's Superhuman

CULTURE: Phelps Is Just Like Us, Even Though He's Superhuman

Gold-medal factory Michael Phelps supposedly eats 12,000 calories per day, a fact repeated 12,000 times during Beijing Olympics coverage. Not reported was that most of that energy is contained in graham crackers and cookie dough. A photo of Phelps sucking on a bong the size of a Pringles can has provoked coronaries among the same people who fainted upon viewing Janet Jackson's nipple in the middle of the Super Bowl, but it's not even a big deal -- it's not a deal at all.

As with much trouble in life, it all started at a college house party. Phelps was attending a soiree at the University of South Carolina, the best thing to do if one finds oneself on campus at the University of South Carolina, when the horridly odious evil drug taking occurred. If you seek a role model, beware: Phelps is not Above the Influence(tm)! Accordingly, some upright-minded narc captured on film the moment Phelps succumbed to temptation, and the photograph of the star consuming the psychotropic vapors eventually appeared in The News of the World, a tabloid as sleazy as the identically-named Queen album is rocking.

As a result, reasonable people are left explaining why this story is a non-story -- even without comparing Phelps to the wife-striking, a brawlin' and a fightin', strip-club-mayhem-inclined "gentlemen" who tend to dot professional athletics. Our aquatic-minded champ merely wanted to recreate; the fact that certain indulgences are illegal is the only crime here.

That's not to endorse marijuana consumption: it's tiresome to chat with those who constantly talk about how tortillas are both delicious and fascinating, not to mention that pot people inflicted Phish on humanity. But the fact is that certain humans, including perhaps you in particular, enjoy it, and someone who brings 14 golds back to America deserves a self-induced giggle fit.

Even if his taste in recreational drugs remains questionable, Phelps is no different than us, excepting the fact that his level of success at his occupation of choice provides him with chances to pick up remarkable quantities of international bling. He's entitled to relax after dealing with on-the-job stresses such as never getting to remove his bathing cap and worrying about pool pH balances.

A more socially acceptable choice of drug wouldn't help, either. While one might advise him to unwind with a non-light beer, if for no other reason than as a fun way to increase his caloric intake, the problem is that Phelps would need to hand over his keys: he foolishly picked up a DUI shortly after the 2004 Games. At this rate, he'll be busted for running a meth lab following the 2012 London Olympics.

Phelps should be allowed to screw up, even if he was irresponsible for putting himself and the public at risk for driving while influenced and is spectacularly dumb for toking in a digicam's presence. He should have used some of his Speedo money to 1) hire a driver a few years' back and 2) buy a memory card for above market value at the party he recently attended. But his obliviousness to his surroundings can be chalked up to the fact he's 23 and is still dealing with beyond intense fame, even though the Games are six months behind him.

The good news is that he hasn't lost money yet despite his soul kiss with that bong: some of Phelps's sponsors such as Visa, Omega Watches, and the aforementioned manufacturer of tiny swimsuits have decently refused to ditch him. But his marijuana dalliance still could cost him, with a fine or jail time on the cards since the Richland County sheriff is foolishly considering prosecuting Phelps for having fun at a party.

It's tragic that law enforcement personnel, with more important shit to take care of surely, are so preoccupied with hassling a man whose accomplishments brought the nation together for two weeks; that's exactly two weeks longer than any other luminary recently has in our ludicrously splintered times.

Human beings tend to intake substances they enjoy regardless of legalities. In Phelps's case, he needs to learn to do so in private, behind a locked door with the blinds drawn, but the core issue is that in our pathetically puritanical culture he's permitted to spend free time on a hobby other than Scrabble or collecting Hummel figurines.

The only long-term problem I can foresee coming out of this pretty fucking trivial incident is that dim people with Olympic dreams will now believe cannabis is a performance-enhancing drug, a concept which will make future swimming events painfully long and especially confusing. Even true weed aficionados would concede that nobody's going to stay in their lanes if they subscribe to that dopeheaded school of thought.


Anthony Bialy is SG's no-jocks-required Sweaty Pursuits sports columnist. He follows sports religiously even though he’s quite bad at them. He ran cross country and played rugby in college, and was horrid at both. He schedules his life around his favorite NHL team’s games, and sadly lists his alma mater winning the NCAA basketball championship as his happiest moment. He likes other things besides sports, too, and requests a minute to think of them.

And this is why I can't feel sorry for him. I don't care if he smokes a garbage bag full of pot every hour. That's fine.
But if you're stupid enough to do so, or even pretend to, in a group of people you don't know who are likely to have cameras, and your MICHAEL FUCKING PHELPS, and it doesn't occur to you that taking a bong hit wouldn't immediately cause at least half the room to whip out those cameras and film it, then you're a fucking idiot and you deserve whatever consequences smack you in the face.

Why should they give him special treatment? I understand what you're saying, it's just pot, but currently it's still illegal. Why should he get special treatment just because of what he has accomplished? The guy has more money in one endorsement than i can make in 10 years, if we're going to give someone a break, i'd rather see it be someone like a struggling worker who recreationally uses who busts his/her ass 60 hours a week only to live paycheck to paycheck and come up short, not some douche that is handed a million dollars to wear a watch and a banana hammock.

I am sick of seeing sports figures who make millions of dollars getting off easy because they are too stupid to read contracts and realize that if they do something like this, there are going to be repercussions. Next thing you know we'll be letting athletes off for murder *sips OJ*, just because they're athletes.

It's like DucksAreCrazy said, this was a total twit move.

I should be a swimmer. Because I really need all those calories.

This is a good comparision. The nipple that virtually no one saw unless they searched for for a blown up picture of it later on the internet. The mass majority of people didn't care, because it's not a big deal. Those that did care were just very vocal. Same with this one. Most people know that it's pretty normal for a 23 year old to smoke pot.

I don't think most police are going to be interested in a guy smoking some pot at a party. I wouldn't say it's special treatment.

When your getting paid 100 million dollars a year to be a pitch man to idiot america you better keep your shit tight.

well... how often are people arrested and tried solely on the basis of a photo depicting them using a bong? i kinda think prosecuting him would be special treatment.

Actually, if I remember my Jack Herrer correctly, THC actually relaxes some sort of thingy in the lungs and increases lung capacity. Anecdotally, I have a friend who has horrible asthma. Whenever he smokes pot, which is a pretty rare occasion, he never has a problems with it.

I thought of this too. It all depends on whether they get any witnesses to testify that indeed there was some swank dank in that bong. But did he actually inhale? Was he succumbing to the pressure of peers in putting said device to his lips, filling said tube to it's deliciously wooly capacity, and only sucking it into his mouth? Oooh, I feel a reasonable doubt coming on!

Well played, sir.

-TM

Ha!!

i think this shows just how fickle we are as a society. poor guy. i hope the dick who ruined his life with the picture is happy.

The Host of All Things Considered was cracking up over this on the air, laughing hysterically.

He is the only dick that ruined his life

yea, i guess you're right. I am too used to Browns players.

omg omg michael phelps

Who cares.

I agree.
Everytime someone famous does something that's not bright I discuss it with my kids so they can understand what not to do.

As Seth Meyers said on SNL last night: If your kids ask why they can't smoke pot when Michael Phelps can, tell them that if they win 12 gold medals, they can smoke as much as they want.

Sure it was stupid, but the whole 2-minute hate stuff is just stupid. The guy smoked some pot. Of all the sins that could have been committed, that's pretty minor.

It's not so much that I feel sorry for Phelps as I am pissed off about the reaction to all this. Morally speaking, what he did was no different from drinking a beer(and not driving under the influence). Also, that sheriff who's trying to press charges is just an attention whore who doesn't have a case. You bust someone for possession or driving under the influence. You don't bust them for a photo which doesn't even show the substance being used.

Of course, the real reason why a superstar athlete like Phelps has to be punished for using a substance like marijuana is simple: Because it exposes the lies required to keep it illegal.

What reaction?

The dude still gets millions of dollars of money from other endorsements besides Kellog's. Kellog's sells to children, whether you like it or not, taking a big ole hit off a waterbong the size of a fore-arm is not child friendly. They have every right to drop his endorsement, it was probably written somewhere into his contract with Kellog's, he breached the contract.

I would expect the same if they took a picture of him on his twentieth beer, with vomit on his t-shirt and urine on the front of his pants.

Beyond anything else, it's Kellog's right as a company to decide who they use as a spokesperson for their product. He acted unbecoming of what they wanted, they dropped his endorsement. It happens all the time.

He was punished for breaking rules of United States Swimming Association, and he wasn't really punished all that much. When you belong to an organization and you don't follow the rules, that's what happens.

He hasn't been punished outside of that, the Sheriff who is attempting to press charges is using Phelps to get his fifteen minutes of fame. There is nothing else there.

Seriously. You could fill quite a few jails from the pictures that come up by googling the word bong.

I'm talking about the general public outcry about what a horrible thing he's done. It's a sad reflection on our society that pot is still this stigmatized.

Pot isn't exactly the most glamorous thing on the planet. People are allowed to be offended by things they find offensive, i am kind of irritated that he was irresponsible enough to let a picture like that be taken...